In Memory of Gracie Baker

Old Blog: February 12th

So I don't know about you... but there is a lot of pain around me. Lots of broken hearts and broken people. None of it is particularly happening specifically to me... I mean I have issues, but... not these issues. But I'm heartbroken. For Becca, For Katie, For Katelyn, For Alicia, For the little girl who lost her Daddy, For Matt...

Today, in particular is tough. The family I nanny for is currently on their way to West Tennessee for a funeral. A funeral where you just don't know what to say... because its for a baby.

I look at Karleigh who's sitting in her Dora chair "reading" her book with Abby from Sesame Street on the cover on it. They prayed so hard for her. They had one miscarriage before her. That's where my big sister is. She was made to be a mother, and she aches for it.. but not yet. I pray that God increases her hope every day. She's one of the bravest women I know.

So the baby... she would have had problems, heart problems I think, and they were concerned how long she would live once she was born. Gracie, was her name. This past week her momma's blood pressure went up and they had to induce Gracie. She would've been pre-mature, but not too badly... but she was already gone.

So that happened in Texas, where the mom and dad and their first little girl, Caroline, live. The Daddy goes to seminary in Dallas, but they're still really close with the people from our church in the Boro. They're from West Tennessee... and this happened in Texas.. wanted the funeral to be in West Tennessee... so someone had to take Gracie all the way there...

Can you even imagine?

And that's where they are. That's why I'm here. And I'm aching for them. So what do you say to that?

Well... here's my thoughts from the drive this morning:

-They were able to hold Gracie. They have a picture of her. They knew her and get to say goodbye to her. That is huge for parents who lose children.
-Gracie had a lot of developmental issues... maybe God was merciful. Maybe it would have been more painful to see her in incubators and slowly slip away.
-They have INCREDIBLE family and friends who are surrounding them from around the country.

That's all I have. and this song...

"For the Glory of it All"- David Crowder Band
At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there

And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all

All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there

After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

oh he is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all
the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

After night
comes the light
dawn is here
dawn is here
it’s a new day
it’s a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same

Oh, The glory of it all is
you came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

Oh you are here
with redemption for us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

Hard times from January

Dated January 15th from old Blog:

OK so I'm trying to wrap my mind around something. Its been a growing process for a couple of years now, but I think because I'm an overly emotional person who gets really attached to people, this it might always be a struggle.

So as we're growing up, you're in a bubble. Especially if you don't ever move like my family. I guess if you move a lot this may not be as much of an issue... Ok anyway. So growing up you're in a bubble right? Maybe its a southern thing.. in the little community where I grew up, I stayed surrounded by the same group of people for YEARS. In middle school things changed a bit because the elementary schools merged and then it did the same in high school, but especially the "beautiful" or "popular" people didn't change whether that was at school or at church. My grandmother used to say things like "You'll never be able to keep up with 'someone who will remain nameless' will you?" or my mother asking me why so in so did not invite me places etc etc... So I guess I grew up trying to fit myself into the mold people wanted me to so that I would be loved... accepted.. wanted.

So praise God I eventually learned that love is NOT conditional, and that a friend who was constantly trying to be what you wanted them to be was exhausting to people and to myself, and (thank God) I got out of Knoxville and started over. Sadly, it probably wasn't until I was a junior or senior in college that I really started figuring out how to be a friend though. To anyone that I was a sucky, needy friend to, I apologize. Thank you for putting up with me.

So as I start to figure out who I think God wants me to be and the kind of friend He wants me to be, I start making real, true friends for the first time in my whole life. It felt so good and so real. Hard times, good times, honesty, love, righteous anger, spiritual warfare, support, encouragement, lots and lots of laughing, REAL friendship.

Then I had to go and get married. And everything changed. How frustrating is that? I had not changed as a person AT ALL. I just was living with a boy and wasn't in college anymore. And for a lot of people, that was just too much for them. I was so confused and conflicted because I felt like God had made me into a person who served people, loved people, encouraged people... and I was straight up getting rejected. BUT then He started to change me.. again.. and brought in new people. Or people from the far away past re-emerged. Unfortunately for the longest time I could not appreciate the new because I was so caught up in the old. I am nostalgic, kind of to a fault. I like to remember songs, quotes things about people. Things no one else would remember so that when their birthday or Christmas or just a bad day comes, I can hopefully love on them by reminding them of that "thing" But, in being nostalgic, you kind of get stuck in the past sometimes.

God calls us to live in the present, but how many of us do that? I don't, that's for sure. I'm either dwelling on what's been, or worrying about what is to come. And that's a crappy way to live. I've gotten much better, but like I said, I just get so emotionally caught up in.. people... things about people... why is that? I tell Andrew.. that's my husband.. all the time that I wish I could turn my heart off sometimes. He says that would be a tragedy because I've taught him how to feel. Which is interesting. I want to say that I wish I didn't feel so much... but that moment... when I see a person I have not seen in so long, and we're able to speak to eachother for hours about real things, funny things, stupid things, hard things because at one point we really KNEW each other... that makes it OK. It makes the inconsistency of them loving me back completely disappear. I wonder if that's what Jesus feels like after the return of the Prodigal.... huh...

So as you can see, I talk in circles, none of this probably makes any sense and I don't really care. I'm processing. I miss living in a circle of love and friendship. But that's not where God has me. He has changed me.. again. I like being by myself for a significant period of time. I get nervous in large crowds. And I can only count on one hand the people that I expect love in return from.. and that's OK. Jesus' disciples deserted Him in His dire hour of need. Does that mean they loved Him less? No, it makes them human AND they missed the opportunity/blessing that John.. the only disciple who did not desert Him... was given by seeing Him truly dead on the cross and then truly, truly alive.

So. I miss you. I miss loving on you more than I miss you loving on me. I miss laughing and eating with you. But, I understand that the only constant is change. I know that now. I'm so happy for you and the way you are growing. Its one of the main reasons I still have facebook. So know that I will continue to love you and I pray that at some point, there will be a blessed full circle moment where we'll get to reconnect. But if not, we'll have so much to catch up on in Heaven.

Was that too cheesey? I don't care. Its what I have to believe to be true.

"Whatever You're Doing"

remember I'm transferring from old blog. this song speaks to me EVERY time I hear it.

"Whatever You're Doing"- Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

The Video

Well it didn't want to upload before... let's try again


GRRRR!!!!!!!! It won't upload so I guess you'll just have to go to YouTube and watch for yourself =)

I Say Its Love

OK so I, Emily, sort of had a blog on another website and I'm trying to delete it and get any posts I like over here. =) Here's one of the ones I liked!

The video is sooo good. I was not really a big SugarLand fan until this performance and then the lyrics are just really really good. It also makes me miss performing. More on that in the blog I wrote before =)

OK so the CMA awards. I'm watching them with Andrew a couple of months ago (which is always interesting bc 1) Andrew knows SO many people there 2) he gives such interesting perspective about how hard it is to make stuff look that awesome.) Sugarland comes up to sing a song and my first thought is "what the crap are you wearing??" bc she had changed out of her super cute outfit.. whatever.. anyway. I'm not a huge Sugarland fan because her voice is sometimes even too country for this country girl. Like it sounds forced.. but I was excited to hear it bc its they were singing a song I wasn't as familiar with. I'm trying to get the video to upload and its not working at the moment. They sang that song that I posted the lyrics for "Love." and I freaking bawled like a baby.. then and when I just downloaded it again.. I know, I know that's probably weird/lame whatever...but I digress.

The intensity of his playing, and her singing was almost as strong as a pulse or a heartbeat. I miss that intensity that's infectious on a stage.. the contagious energry that flows so deeply from your fingers to the keys and makes notes and words fly out of your mouth like they came from somewhere deep inside of you that you didn't know exsisted. Where you can't help but feel it in your blood and throughout your body.. its a closeness to Heaven that I yearn for... I miss that...

The words are SO good. I had a sweet conversation with my LR this morning. And I instantly thought of her. The chemistry when you're melting into someone. When you feel them missing you across roads, cities, and states. When your worship of God is more intense and tear-filled because you're overwhelmed with the way He's loving you through a person. Where you can't help but dance it out because you don't think your body can handle keeping the feelings inside of you anymore.


"Is it the face of a child
Is it the thrill of danger
Is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger
Is is more than faith
Is is more than hope
Is is waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is is standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

I say its love.

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a change to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

I say its love.

Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

Is it making you laugh
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life, for your life, for your life the most"

A New Leaf!

Or maybe its a new page?

Anyway, take 2 for blogging. Thank you Tracy Ramsey for inspiring me to flipping GET ON IT! Of course I would choose probably the busiest time in my life to do this, but dadgumit it is something I think about ALL the time, so here we go!

Reader's Digest Update:

Andrew quit his job. That's a biggie. Its a really REALLY long story that he is much better at telling than I am, BUT the important thing is, it was the right thing to do AND we have felt God's constant support and leading and provision since then, which just re-affirms to us AGAIN that it was the right thing. Maybe if I have time later I'll say more about this. But what it all means is..
1) he's freelance again. So if anyone out there is in search of a photographer, videographer, video engineer, sound man, graphic designer, basically can read a manual and figure out anything you ever put in front of him guy, then leave a comment for us and we'll get you his e-mail!! He has honestly stayed pretty busy though thanks to some incredible connections he's made over the last couple of years. Praise God that He is still the "I Am" who rains down manna every day.
This picture is from a gig he worked last year in Virgina and I got to go visit! I ALSO was able to visit my favorite person on the planet Katie Batey! (aka Katie Von Kahle and sanity of my life.)


As for me... LOL.. I'm sorry I just need to laugh a second. "Dirty Pop" by N'SYNC just came on my Itunes...if you know anything about me and POP... please just laugh with me.

OK back to my life. Let's see. I'm currently sitting at the kitchen table of the Perry family thinking about what I should probably be working on while the cutest kid on the planet sleeps. Seen here...


And that's actually an old picture. I cannot believe she's almost 20 months! That's 4 months shy of her being 2 years old!!! WHOA. I started taking care of her when she was 4 months old and now she's almost 2 YEARS old. Good grief. Even more weird, Andrew and I are approaching our 2 year anniversary. That's right, kids. Two years. WHOA. And how much time have we actually spent together in the same place at the same time? Hm... I actually want to know. Please hold...OK just for this year, 2009, we've spent 89 out of 118.. which is actually pretty good in my opinion!! Let's go back to 2008.. this is so sick that I'm doing this, but Andrew and I were actually talking about it last night. I actually counted it up thanks to our google calendar. 218 days spent in the same city. So what is that? Divided by 30 (most months are 30 days) that's like 7.2 something. So around 7 months of the year 2008 together. Just a little further to go... 83 days in the portion of 2007 that we were married and that INCLUDES our wedding and honeymoon and that was out of 5.5 months. Geez. So our grand total of time in the same place since we've been married is... drumroll...390 days!!! HOLY CRAP! I'm so excited! I didn't think we had spent a year in the same place but apparently we have! One year and about a month! THAT'S SO EXCITING! So out of the 21 months we've been married, we've been together for 13 of them collectively. Wow.

OK I'll move on. The point is, its been interesting. God has been teaching us A LOT individually and together. I have felt like since he quit his job though (which was just a little over a month ago) God has been pushing us to learn how to truly live life together for the first time. Like I think we're having issues and discussions and experiences people normally have right after their honeymoon or maybe in their first few months. But I'm OK with that. I see God moving in Andrew in SO many ways and He is constantly providing for us.

OK did I mention what I've been up to yet? I think what I've been up to is about to wake up..False Alarm. So Karleigh is a huge portion of my life. Which is.. hard? Good? Interesting? But let me just say on behalf of the parents out there that are thinking "I don't want someone else raising my kid.." that is NOT what happens around here. I learn things from this incredible family EVERY day. There is no mistaking who Mommy and Daddy are. I am "EM!" or "Miss EM!" and Andrew is "Doo! or Andoo!" We love Karleigh and she knows that we love her and truly care for her, but ever since I can remember we have actively talked about who Mommy and Daddy are. Kevin (Daddy) is here a lot anyway. A lot of the time he is working in his office downstairs or coming in and out between meetings, and he stops to love on her a bit, but she handles it SO well. She says "bye bye Daddy!" or like this morning she waved as her mom went out the door blew her kisses and said "see you soon!" Can you tell this child is ridiculously smart??? It amazes me every day. Thus why I feel like I am pushed and tried and shown new things about God every minute of every day. I think that might need to be a whole other blog too. About preparing for motherhood.. and just tales from "The Nanny Diaries" or something ;)Maybe (so that I don't get flipping sued for copyright infringement) it will be the Nanny Confessions or the Nanny blogs.. maybe.. ANOTHER DAY!

The other HUGELY important part of my life is my wedding business! That's right, courtesy of lots of pushing in the right direction from friends and family and a calling from God I started my business Simply Yours Weddings & Etc. last February. I just started a blog for that too. (see the blogs I follow!) I should probably stop blogging on this one and actually get some work done and get ready to make Karleigh's lunch. I cannot believe I spent all this time doing this.. then again.. I can. And I feel rather refreshed =)

Thought of the day:
"God means what He says, even when its bad news."- Beth Moore

think about it