"Jesus, Invade"

To the precious few who read this flippin' thing, I'm sorry that I suck at blogging right now. I think about it all the time, I promise. If you're out there and have been through this with us, will you let me know? I'll be more intentional in communicating with you!!! =)

Here is the final update that we sent out last week... =)

Well.......

we're homeowners!!!! =)





I sincerely apologize that this is coming so late! Most of you already know this news, but I wanted mostly to thank you for your prayers and sweet words of encouragement over the past couple of weeks, as well as update you thus far!

After our last e-mail, the closing went ahead as scheduled on Tuesday! It has been an interesting week or so. The owners took pretty good care of the house as a whole... but they did NOT clean it... ever. So its been kind of a humbling experience for me to receive this incredible gift, this inheritance from the Lord, but then to really have to WORK at it before we can enjoy it. (and all the homeowners shake their heads and laugh...)

Our lease on our apartment does not end until November so we have several weeks to clean the house up, do some repairs, paint and etc and we are so grateful for the gift of time!

Thank you friends and family for all your prayers, encouragement, and for really walking with us through this huge crazy experience! We are so thankful for you!!!

On a little bit of a side note, one of the reasons I have had a delay in getting this e-mail out has to do with one of my Young Life girls. On Tuesday night, right after we had gotten into the house, I found out that one of my YL girl's boyfriends was killed in Afghanistan. If you live in Murfreesboro, its the 20 year old boy who went to Siegel Corey Kowall, who's been all over the news. Words cannot begin to describe the emotions and just... intense pain this little girl has experienced. (OK she's not a little girl, she's 19, but she's one of my babies to me) The funeral proceedings have been honorable and beautiful, but very intense and emotional as well.The media coverage has been... a little bit.. invasive. This is my opinion, but I've seen already what its done to affect her on a personal level. Instead of recording just the facts and honoring his death and life, the stories are "Dead soldiers girlfriend wanted to marry him someday" and things of that nature. The front page of the story this morning was not an image of the flag being folded and handed to his mother, or of his camrades carrying his coffin... it was of her face the moment the 21 gun salute began when she uttered the most horrible cry I've ever heard in my life. How does she heal when she is now famous in a small town because she buried the man she wanted to marry????

Anyway.. I say all this because I would really love to ask you all to pray for her. Her name is Ashley West. She is still very new in her faith and has experienced more in life than most 19 year olds have not dreamed of, but especially with this loss... my heart just absolutely breaks for her. I probably said a little too much about it, but it has been so heavily a part of my life this past week. The joy of our new beginning in our home, the joy of babies being born to friends, engagements taking place, life at its fullest has also been totally devastated by a town TRULY honoring a young man, but a few of us trying to love this sweet girl in her sorrow. Its just a lot. Could you please pray for her?

Could you also pray for Andrew and I in this season? We have this amazing house we are so blessed with, but Andrew left town the first full day we owned it. Our amazing community group leader and his son from church came and mowed and weed-eated our lawn on Sunday. So many friends have come in and out to help clean already, but Andrew and I are experiencing all of this separately. Please pray that God will unite us in this situation and He will guide us in how to communicate and transition into this new journey together, even if we're not in the same place. Could you also already be praying that our home would be a place of fellowship, hospitality, and love? There are words to a Watermark song called "Invade" that I love so dearly and plan to put up in our house someday. It just seems like the most perfect prayer for our lives in ministry, but in each of our Promised Lands, our homes, our Inheritance that God has given us. Would you pray this for us?:

"Come, come in.
Invade all you see of us
Any man that walks Your road
is welcomed here
and You're the Only One

Oh, Jesus
come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out with Your mercy
and Jesus
teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let your Truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus, Invade.

Reach, reach in
with a hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You
bring Your Spirit through
as we fill the walls with Your praise

Oh, Jesus
come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out with Your mercy
and Jesus
teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let your Truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus, Invade.

Invade
I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus

Come, come in.
Invade all you see of us
Any man that walks Your road
is welcomed here
and You're the Only One
You're the Only One

Oh, Jesus
come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out with Your mercy
and Jesus
teach us the prayers that open these doors
until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
and let your Truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus, Invade."

Thank you again and again and again and when we finally get everything fixed and move, we can't wait to open our doors to you the way you have to us!

Sooooo much love,
Em (and a still out of town Andrew)

An update on Ashley... she's hanging in there. It really hit her Friday of the week they buried him. She has tons of friends checking on her... but please just pray for her precious heart as she walks through this healing process. She's beautiful ... see? =) (She's the one I have my arms wrapped around.) And so are all these other precious girls who are growing up WAY too fast. They are already well into their 2nd year of college AAHHH!!!

He Leadeth Me

Ok friends. I've decided its time you heard the whole story. It has not come to a conclusion yet. But I think.. its time. Here is an e-mail I sent to friends and family that were praying/walking with us a couple of weeks ago in this HUGE change happening in our life. It tells the first part of the story. It is dated September 4, 2009.

Hello family and friends!

Most of you know that Andrew and I have recently been looking for houses in the smyrna/murfreesboro area because we feel like that is where God is calling us to put down roots.

Again most of you know it has been a challenge to get a loan for a home because we are both self-employed. However as one of our teaching pastors says, the Lord's history with His people is full of "But God". We were able to get a loan through a bank in the Boro. Our approval letter is dated August 10th (our original anniversary) and we received the letter on our 2 year anniversary the next day.

We were gone and unable to really walk through the loan and what would be required of us until this past Tuesday. We met with the man assisting us and we walked away feeling much more confident and went straight to meet our realator and friend, Tanya, to look at a few houses.

The next time we went to physically look at houses at all was day before yesterday, Wednesday the 2nd. The first 2 homes we went to were good homes but one of us, Andrew or I, were left.. off by the house. We pulled up to the 3rd house and before we even got inside, Andrew wanted to know what I thought. He really liked the neighborhood and the location (which was a shock to me bc I loved it to!) It all just went up from there. We both loved the house.

On our way to see a 4th house, Tanya had called the realator for the house we liked to ask her a question. It had only been back on the market a week from having a contract on it. Tanya was concerned as to why their contract had fallen through. It had nothing to do with the house BUT someone had called in an offer on the house that very morning.

So Tanya, Andrew and I talked and prayed in the kitchen of the 4th house we were supposed to be looking at about what we should do. After running numbers, lots of discussion and prayer, Andrew and I put an offer on the house that afternoon.

Last night, Tanya called to say that the owners wanted to hear the "highest and best" from each of the potential buyers. Tanya said we should hear something late tonight or in the morning.

Within an hour, Andrew called "we got the house." :)

Some of you knew this already and were praying and waiting with us over that intense 24 hour period, some of you were clueless but had been praying through this journey. Now we are asking for your prayers again.

The home inspection is on Monday at 4:30. (Amazing to me someone would work on Labor Day for us...AND its Andrew's birthday- what a gift that would be!!) Could you please pray that God will continue to guide every single step we take? If the home inspection reveals something that says this is not the house for us, as Alicia so wisely shared with me, that is God's protection of us. Pray we see His will no matter the outcome. We are so grateful to experience this no matter what because His glory is all over this process. I know its silly but I am just so blown away how intimately He reveals that He is a God of details. He cares about our house, our neighbors, our commute to work.. Truly everything is in His oh so capable hands.

Would you please pray these words would be true of us no matter what? Whether this house is it or He has just gone through this process with us to show us He is trustworthy in ALL matters; we truly desire to be obedient, faithful and trusting to His ends.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and all your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends." Proverbs 16:3-4

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting the Lord." Psalms 112:7

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Please keep this as private as you can. We covet the prayers, but you all know how hard it can be to come back with... not bad news... but a change of plans to multiple people who may not know the whole story. If you don't mind, if you want to share this with others, just shoot one of us a text or email and ask 0:) We appreciate your grace, love and understanding so so much.

We are so grateful for you, more than you'll ever know :)
-Andrew and Em

OK so, that was then... and this is the one I sent today.

Hello sweet friends and family-

Well., needless to say it has been a crazy couple of weeks!! Since the last e-mail I sent, we were preparing for the house inspection. The house inspection actually went REALLY well. The house is 16 years old so there were a few things that could be expected, but the few things that we really wanted them to fix they agreed to take care of!

So… all was set to close tomorrow, BUT it seems that the appraisal is taking a while to get back. So… not tomorrow, but Tuesday. Our friend and realtor thinks that everything is going to be OK because the sellers want this to work out AND they’ve agreed to come back for Tuesday. (They’ve already moved out of town.)

We really believe this is the house God has intended for us. He’s asking us to trust Him yet again (doesn’t He everyday?). In this, I just keep thinking about something God revealed to me through Beth Moore’s study of Esther. When Esther was faced with her choice to approach the King, she had to choose courageous faith. Something Beth talked about to us was that courageous faith is not living in denial that our worst fears could come true, its living in the reality that they could and very possibly might, but that God will still be on His throne. She had us fill in blanks for realizing our worst fears that looked like this: If______________ then God _________________.

For those of you who have bought a home before, this very well could be just part of the process, which if it is, awesome. But even if it is just “part of the process” Andrew and I want to invite the Lord to lead that, and more importantly lead our hearts in that. I want my courageous faith statement to say if this house is not the one and we lose it then God protected us, STILL has a plan for us, a BETTER house for us and He is just as present in this closed door as He is in open ones.

This may seem silly to those of you who have maybe done this before… but for me… I don’t want to think of it as preparing for the worst… I want to think of it as preparing for what is HIS best. Either way, inviting Him constantly into this situation, HE receives the Glory either way. HE is the source of the celebration and we are amazed at His wondrous works or HE is the comforter. HE is the author of life. "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting the Lord." Psalms 112:7. HE is still on HIS throne.

So even if your prayer sounds like “Dear Jesus, I pray for Emily to get a grip and take a note from her always calm and patient husband. Amen.” Then it will be an appreciated and needed prayer. But most of all, please pray that Andrew and I will courageously trust Jesus and His provisions for us and our future.

“He leadeth me: O blessed thought!  

O words with heavenly comfort fraught!  

Whate'er I do, where'er I be, 

still 'tis God's hand that leadeth me.  

He leadeth me, He leadeth me, 

by His own hand He leadeth me; 

His faithful follower I would be, 

for by His hand He leadeth me.”

We love you and we’re thankful for you.

-Em (and a traveling Andrew)

So.... there it is. And now we wait... and pray...

"I know nothin' except change will come"

Good freaking goodness the Lord has moved SOOOOO fast in our lives the past few weeks! I want to talk about it... I'm a little nervous to really detail it out though until it has fully come to fruition. Friday. Friday it will fully be real. Me not posting it here will allow for grace if the Lord decides to change things up between now and then. AAAHH I can't wait to share!

Within this one week, however, here are all the things that have happened:
-Andrew turned 25
-Karleigh turned 2
-Cali's bachelorette party... lots of firsts there... *cough cough*
-Will and Cali's wedding rehearsal dinner. I think her grandaddy summed it up well "When I was a young man, you just didn't tell people how much you loved them. But not this bunch. Even the guys say I love you and its beautiful"
-Will and Cali's wedding.... what a day. Cali's mom actually had something typed up on their water bottles a phrase that summed it up (almost prophetically) "Marriage isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain." CRAZY monsoon wedding.. literally.
-LOTS of sickness... even the Bride ended up getting sick. Hubby was among casualties. (feeling MUCH better today though!)
-my parents in for the weekend (always an adventure)
-saw WICKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like this deserves a blog all on its own. I'm off quite a bit this week trying to get caught up.. maybe I will.
-beautiful time at church this morning.
-sat in a bookstore all afternoon and re-read Redeeming Love. Almost all of it. Read page 1 to 170 something. Then moved on to where she left that final time to the end. I forgot that the first time I read it I skipped around a lot. So I caught up on all the parts I had skimmed through. Maybe another day this week I'll go back and read the meat and potatoes part that is my favorite. Although I forgot how incredible the end is... gah I love that book. I don't own it anymore though bc every time I get a copy I give it away to someone. So now I only buy it in gift form.

I am now trying to upload all the pictures I have taken on my blackberry and camera from our Charleston trip as well as the wedding and time with Karleigh. Should be good stuff when it finally finishes.

P.S. Kanye West- you are finished, bro.

P.P.S.- Beyonce can take care of herself and Jay-Z should kick your ***

Watch out for our crazy story this week!!! If you've been following us and praying thank you!!!

"This is the day that the Lord has made..."

"I will REJOICE and be glad in it!!!" Psalm 118:24

For me, today is BIG day to rejoice in because its my husband's birthday!!! He really hates attention on this particular day. Its not on facebook or anything. BUT I want him to know he's special and that this is an amazing day. =)

So in honor of his birthday, I'm going to steal an idea from our sweet friend Tracy, and list 25 things I love about my husband (since he's 25 today.) =)

25. Our story
24. The way he laughs
23. The fact that he gets so mad that restaurants are phasing out Mellow Yellow and the way he celebrates when they have it.
22. He always does the dishes.
21. As much as it drives me nuts, I miss when he is not here to leave his cereal bowl in the shower (because he eats his cereal in the shower... I know.)
20. His random Mitch Hedberg jokes that never come out right.
19. The fact that he still LOVES to play with Leggos.
18. That everyday I keep Karleigh, he says "tell the boo I said hi!"
17. His little cute voices when he's being silly.
16. His little victory dances that he would never admit to.
15. Almost our entire refrigerator is covered with magnets from the places he's been in the past 2 years. LITERALLY.
14. The way he loves his close friends.
13. That he enjoys a good library and/or bookstore.
12. He'll watch movies that are NOT guy friendly, and often enjoys them.
11. The way people talk about him when I get to go to work with him.
10. The way he's not starstruck AT ALL by the people he works with. He is CONSTANTLY surrounded by famous people and just takes it in stride.
9. The way he cares about my close friends.
8. Daisies.
7. The way he loves his Mamaw Jo.
6. How gracious he is when I just cannot get it together.
5. The way he gets better and better and BETTER at giving gifts. Its amazing. (and not in that spoiled brat way. Its the timing, the thoughts behind the gifts.)
4. When he text messages me in French.
3. When he woke up this morning and I was busy doing stuff, I found him laying in bed reading scripture. Sexiest thing I've ever seen yo.
2. If you know us at all, we make this weird noise like "mow mow" as if to say, "hi I'm here" or "whatcha doin?" or even "just in case I haven't said it in a while, I love you."
1. He is the One I was created for and I was the one created for him. The way God reinforces this EVERY single time it gets hard. To God be the Glory.

In the VERY beginning...

At a Darius Rucker/Dierks Bentley show on our anniversary this year in Charleston. (aka going to work with hubby day ;) )

For the Brokenhearted

you know who you are. I'm with you.

There are two; both from Nicole.

“Every Season”- Nicole Nordeman
Every evening sky an invitation to trace the pattern stars
And early in July a celebration for freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what is and what’s to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white all creation shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even in now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything new that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you and how you make me new with every season’s change
And so it will be
As you are recreating me summer, autumn, winter, spring."

“Small Enough”- Nicole Nordeman
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel’s Den
And I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
Just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if I start to cry
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.
Oh Great God be close to me
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we’ve marched around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright.
Oh Great God, be close enough to feel you now.

All praise and all the honor be to the God of Ancient Mysteries
Who’s every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
“Are you there?”

And I know you could leave writing on the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
But I don’t need the strength of Samson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh great God.
Are you small enough?
Be small enough to hear me now."


I'm so sorry I don't have better words. These are some that He sends to comfort me.
I love you.

"In every change, He faithful will remain"

Oh man... There is SO much to share. I'm not totally sure where to begin!

First I just need to say that I feel like Rev. Run (aka Run DMC) at the end of "Run's House" (which btw I only watch when with my friend Katie Wheeler for some reason :) ). Why do I feel this way? Bc at the end of every episode he types on his blackberry as he narrates. I wonder if he's blogging, whatever, the point is I'm doing this on my blackberry so I feel sooo hight tech :)

Of course I can't finish this bc I started it while with Karleigh... More thoughts on that later..

i will not forget you

I'm still here.

Writing in word documents at the moment.

scrambling for alone time.

its coming..

LOTS of things are coming.

CRAZINESS.

I blog a lot in my head. Does anyone else do that??

"Can you open your ears for Em, please?

OK so Karleigh is going to be two next month... need I say more?

So because she has the world's most patient parents... OK maybe not the world's because worldly parents would NOT be this patient.... OK they're crazy patient and compassionate with their child. It leaves me breathless sometimes. Anyway, so we're trying to teach her about obedience. (obviously) so the new thing is we put our hands on our ears and say "can you open your ears for Ms. Em please?" She's pretty good about it to be honest. She's so stinkin' smart... most of the time a little TOO smart. This post is not about Karleigh but.... you know you want to see her sweet face =)



Her sweet Daddy took that while he was home for like 24 hours this week. It scares me and comforts me all at the same time to work for a family who started their marriage EXACTLY like Andrew's and mine.

OK so here's why I started that way: I need to know if anyone's reading this. This is not going to be a ridiculous sob story like an unfortunate, embarrassing post was a few months ago. I need to know because I'm thinking of conducting an experiment and if there's no pool to participate in my experiment then its going to be pointless!

Basically... ever since I can remember... I've written. Like written stories. I used to win awards and stuff all the time for writing stories when I was younger. I didn't even understand why it was such a big deal, everyone knew how to tell a story right? WRONG.

I started dabbling in poetry and song writing during my quite miserable adolescence and if I do say so myself, I think it was pretty good. But I also think there was a crap load of misery to draw on so no I feel... less inspired? Well not feel now, felt... for a long time. If I sit down at a piano, I can create anything. I can't put my words to music though. I can do them separately, but I struggle together. Totally different conversation for another day though.

Lately I've been thinking about my husband and my's story. That man went through hell for me... and I think he deserves a story. He was (and still is) my Gatsby, my Noah Calhoun, my Michael Hosea, my Boaz... and I think it deserves to be written down. I think there are other crazy things about my life and my growing up in a small, claustrophobic, can't go anywhere without somebody knowing you area of a southern city, that I'll catch glimpses of in books, movies, tv and I think... wait a second, that's nothing! it was WAY worse for me! OR "amen sister" I mean the wedding stuff alone could probably be a good dramedy. (You know that gets advertised like a romantic comedy but really its tragic and funny? Like "The Family Stone")

Anyway... so I'm thinking of experimenting here. Of writing chapters and trying to put it in story form... but I could just as easily do that in Microsoft word and save it and no one would ever critique me, share, give thoughts, responses etc.. which believe me I have done A LOT OF in my life. I think when my parent's computer crashed I lost 3 unfinished novels that no one even knew about.

So, holla back if you're there and if you're game. I need all the help I can get.

On a side note, I'm going to see Andrew in Charleston next week and we need to know fun things to do, suggestions please!!!!!!

Hold the Light

I'm not really sure why I'm blogging. I have a really REALLY Long to do list.

Trying to sort out my thoughts I suppose. But how much do you share when you don't know who's really reading? Should I care? Isn't the point of a blog, "an online journal"?

Here are my thoughts:
-joined weight watchers again today. Got a 3 month plan. We'll see what happens.
-contacted a counselor about meeting.. now its up to me to find out how much it will cost... I want someone to talk to and walk through my crazy mess, but I don't want it to cost money
-signed up for a blogging course for my wedding business. as soon as I'm not busy, I feel like such a failure. But I was DESPERATE for this break, so what's wrong with me?
-i really like what I did to our office but in the midst of all the other things I want to do during this time I have off from nannying, I'm having a hard time deciding what to work on, stuff that needed to be done a while ago or the new stuff I created from shifting us. BLAH
-thinking through friendships... always fun
-really really REALLY wanting our loan to come through so I can know whether or not we're going to move and such
-i really really REALLY... answered the phone and can't remember what I was going to say here...

On another note, Andrew and I are going to Charleston, SC for our 2 year anniversary and I'm so excited about it! He'll be up there working for an artist and then I'm going to join him for the show and then for our own fun. CANNOT wait!!

OK I've got to go get my sh*t together now and act like time is really flying by like it actually is.

I WILL make it to Esther tonight dadgumit.

My Tribute

Alright. So obviously I'm kind of obsessed with "So You Think You Can Dance" but I think its because its one of the truest expressions of dance for fun and for life that I've EVER seen. So I've been a huge nerd and gone back in time to find my favorite dances from the various seasons. I really didn't get into it until Season 3 but trust me that's enough to make this blog FULL of videos =)

Also, several of the choreographers had numbers nominated for Emmys this year. ITS ABOUT FLIPPING TIME!!!! Move over Dancing with the Stars!! Watch out for the REAL talent!!

The only other routine to win an emmy is this one from Season 2. Its called "The Bench Routine"




Also from Season 2 but with the winner, Benji Schwimmer in it. I didn't think it was all that great until... THE END!! So wait for it ;)


Moving on to Season 3. One of my favorite dancers on this show EVER was on this season, so all three dances from that season have her in it ;) Her name is Lacey Schwimmer (yes Benji the Season 2 winner's sister AND now she's on "Dancing with the Stars")

A cool hip hop routine =)


The sweetest most precious "Father-Daughter" dance


Literally my FAVORITE dance in all the history of SYTYCD... not sure why... but it is =)


Season 4... there are a lot of these =) I'll mark which ones are the Emmy nominees!!
*Two of the top 6 dancers- Chelsey and Joshua (the winner!!)-1st Emmy nominee- Tango


*Will and Jessica- 2nd Emmy Nominee-A jazz routine about Adam and Eve


*Twitch and Katee-3rd Emmy Nominee-A contemporary routine that's AWESOME =)


*Chelsea and Mark-4th Emmy Nominee-the most amazing hip hop routine EVER and my favorite dance from Season 4 to be sure!!!


*Kherington and Twitch- The sweetest Vieneese Waltz that the choreographer created in honor of his disabled little girl. It makes me cry every time.


If you haven't noticed, I'm quite fascinated by contemporary dancing, particularly ones choreographed by Mia Michaels. All of the next few are hers... I think. There might be one by Mandy Moore in there somewhere.

(This is one of the coolest)







OK this is weird, but I just can't help but like it... its a jazz routine by Sasha who is new to SYTYCD but she loooooves to stir the pot ;)


One of my last favorites from this season, a hip hop routine =)


OK!!! So I've already posted my favorite dance from this season so far, but I'll put up a few more too =)

Best tango on the show EVER (the judges even said so!!) Tango freaks me out. How do you get your legs to go that fast?!?!?


*This is my favorite so far... but with sadness. See this blog


lol this one will make you laugh... but i've just never seen anything like it!

my other favorite so far this season... p.s. this was choreographed by the same contestant (Travis Wall) who performed the bench routine from season 2 =)


and one last funny one. Jazz is weird. you just gotta see how great the dancing is!


and that is the madness that i love. please join me any time ;)

AGAIN!!

Geez louise I just freaking love dancing!!!!!!!!!!

Dance it out: take 2

Well hello no one =)

If there is someone reading this, prepare yourself, I'm already bawling my eyes out.

So last week I posted a video with a dance on it. I think it got removed from YouTube so you couldn't watch it anymore. So I found it again just now because as I was doing my Esther study today, I was put into some scripture in the Psalms and asked to contrast who God is vs. who Satan is and their wills for our lives. Now this is should be a no brainer... but is it?

How many times have I felt "trapped" by the Lord? Like He's not hearing me or is punishing me or something?? That He has robbed me of something that was mine or MEANT to be mine. Beth Moore says it like this "I am astonished at the effectiveness of our enemy to deceive people into thinking that Christianity is bondage; but his path (disguised as human independence, Matthew 16:23- "Jesus turned and said to Peter 'Get behind me, Satan!! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men!"-) is freedom." She goes on to say... "Satan, our adversary; promises freedom but, after gaining trust delivers such destructive entanglement that his victim feels life being squeezed out of him. God on the other hand, delivers us... He rescues us because He delights in us."

OK... go somewhere with me.

Have you ever been addicted to something? Anything? Someone?

I've been addicted to a person. The first time I saw this dance, I just hurt first of all because of the song. It is EXACTLY how I felt... sometimes still feel... about a person. But the destruction, the fight to make it leave... and yet the longing for more. We are better are receiving pain than we are flying free... why is that? WHY do I more easily fit into the bindings of the enemy than in the hands of my Father?

"I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears" Psalm 18:3-6

now watch...



.... but what is not here is this....

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. " Psalm 18:16-19

Have you ever tried to push his hands off you like that?? Tried to get the dirty muck of your sin off of you? But it comes back like a ricochet and hits you in the face, knocks you down, throws you around. Somehow this sometimes feels good... like a challenge, but then the slimey, ickiness of him.. like Macbeth's bloodstained hands... it just won't come off. What makes me ill is at the end she gets away, but he knows she's coming back because when she reached out, no one was there to take death's grip off her arms. Then when she falls because no one heard her cry... its like he comforts her... soothes her with his lies, intimately, and then with the same hands chokes the life from her heart.

Oh my Young Life girls.... oh my heart.... oh the beds we have lie in and the poisons we have put in our bodies that take His blood in order to cleanse us. A new body. Why would I fight the One who truly longs for my freedom? Who tries to protect me? Who has the better plans for me? HE is the Rescuer. The rider in white. HE restores, He is not capable of entrapment of those He claims as His own. He never wishes distress or death upon us. HE is Love. He is redemption. He is the One who is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (psalm 34:18) He is the Comforter, not the crusher.

"A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.-Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin...Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight...SURELY You desire Truth in the inner parts; You teach my wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I WILL BE CLEAN; wash me, and I WILL BE WHITER THAN SNOW. Let me hear joy and gladness; LET THE BONES YOU HAVE BROKEN REJOICE! Hide your face from my sins and blot out my inquity. Create in me a pure heart, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me! Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways and sinners will turn back to you." Psalm 51:1-2,4,7-13


Be near oh God, be near. Let me draw near to You
I am woefully fallen and full of scorn
I have betrayed You in the inmost places
My eyes have seen the glory of the world
And my heart has longed for the pornographies they bring
I have slept in the beds of the enemy
More than once
I have longed for the garments he wills me to wear
Blot out his lies, oh Lord
Sweet Jesus bathe me in Your blood
pour out Your Spirit on me so that I may drink it in and overflow with You
drown out the things that are not of You in me
Stone me dead with the law
and raise me up with Your Grace
Clothe me in my new form like a babe
Wrap me in Your swaddling clothes of righteousness
Keep me safe, Lord God
Take the power that conquers the grave in me and conquer me
Keep me from the lies that threaten my song
Open my mouth only for You
Guard my heart for only those You love
Bind my soul with the One you have made for me
Blind my eyes to the things of this world
and be my vision into the next
into the war that wages amongst us
Show me my angel
and show me the demon that we fight
This harlot longs to be a Bride.
Teach me to fight in Your ways
Break all my other armor and weapons
and teach me to only fight with You
Let Truth be what fills my stomach
so that I never ever am hungry for lies
Bathe my heart in Your Spirit
so that it no longer breaks for what cannot be fixed
Take my need to control him
take eve's curse and use it for Your glory
Take my venomous words and make them encouragement
Be so loud, Lord, that the noise of this world falls like snow
And your Word blasts like trumpets announcing your arrival


"Oh Lord open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:15-17


"Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!"
-"Embracing Accusations"- Shane & Shane


"Love will come to save us
If we’ll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter
In a raging storm
Love is peace
In the middle of a war
If we try to leave
May God send angels
To guard the door
No, love is not a fight
But it’s something worth fighting for"
-"Love is not a Fight"- Warren Barfield

I'm still here...

So pretty much everyday I think "hm.. I should blog about that" but the problem is that it happens about 100 times a day.

I have a lot to say...

There's DEFINITELY a lot going on.

I know that God is good and faithful and reveals Himself to me ALL the time. He's teaching me to be brave... but I'm not totally sure where all that applies...

again, its a lot.

but its good.

and i miss my hubby


Also I've been REALLY busy with wedding season. Want to catch up on that? Go to my Blog site, www.simplyyoursweddings.blogspot.com

On a really awesome note, I was in the newspaper in Murfreesboro TWICE this past Saturday. My friends Jacqui and RJ got married (and I was their coordinator) and because of their incredible story, the DNJ did a story about them and I was included in it. THEN they asked me to write answer questions about how to plan your wedding and boom! another article! I feel so honored!

I'm sure there will be more later =)

no time!!!

I swear I spend my life in the car. I take pictures just for blogging and I write great blogs in my head while I'm in the car, but I don't have time to do anything about it once I stop!! I don't even have time to do this!!

I just wanted to state that I have good intentions, they just pave the road to... wherever I'm traveling at the time. I'm getting a phone where I can get internet soon. I feel like I will be able to express myself a bit more at that time.

Secrets are no fun its true, but I'm sure pumped about my secret mission tomorrow night!! =)

Just pray that I prioritize well. Jesus, husband, immediate work stuff... and then I don't know what's next after that... I suck at doing things in this order.... B-L-A-H!

Oh life..

So I realize my last blog was WHOA depressing and I have not gotten a chance to really blog and update. Although I have been blogging for my business!! Wanna see?? Lookie here!!

Speaking of which I need to be tying ribbons on bubbles for the wedding I'm doing tomorrow, but I just wanted to have something a little different on here for the world to see and then when my life is made of more than wedding bells and to do lists I'll get back to you =)

Let's see... how bout... top 5 weird things about me at the moment
5) I have currently replaced my obsession with "Law and Order SVU" with "Cold Case"
4) I have discovered a disposable razor that I literally hate
3) I have been really REALLY homesick for both my parents lately.. which is weird
2) I finally joined twitter... God help me. www.twitter.com/emmebeth
1) I get to do something on Tuesday really Really REALLY exciting!!! Stay tuned its a secret!! =)

alright, back to everything turquoise and blue

When it don't come easy...

Definition of Follow: to engage as in a calling or a way of life; to walk or proceed along.- Thank you Webster.

OK so I've really got to get some priorities in check. Why am I blogging? Do I want people to follow me? Do I want to be super public with our life? Do I want my friends to just know what the crap is going on in our lives? Well no matter what I want, ITS NOT HAPPENING! Its just me out here in blog world. Maybe that's OK? Its kind of depressing though if I'm really honest... its way too similar to my everyday life.

I just had this vision of a pastor throwing a hissy fit at the church I've been to because the congregation didn't have a come to Jesus moment because he was such a "great" speaker.

That's not my intention. I guess I'm just... lonely? I mean I'm not... but I am? Someone is being indecisive today good Lord....

I think I'm in mourning.

One of my most precious friends that has walked all through my "adult" process is moving away. Now don't get me wrong I am so so so so so so so so so sooooooooooo excited for her. She's moving away to go get her masters degree and she's moving to a city I visit A LOT ... but I'm just gonna miss her. She is one of the only people in my life who truly engages me and asks me hard things and she does this face to face. And now she will join the phone tree. Which I believe she will and its totally OK.. I'm just sad. All of my closest friends who truly love me and have stuck with me through so much live somewhere other than here. Now to insert some perspective, I am BEYOND GRATEFUL that they have continued to call, text, e-mail, and just live with me, but REALLY God? Is it so hard to have a woman consistently stay with me????? Can you tell I'm having a complex? I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way because I know that I am blessed with some fierce lifelong blessed friends, but one by one we have had to live apart.

stupid freaking adult world.

So the fact that I blog to no one kind of... is good? Gets my thoughts out and does good things for the fact that I'm not relaying them to someone present? Or... adds to my "lonliness" I'm not lonely like I was fresh out of college. This is different. Its like that standing in the middle of a crowd lonely. I need a thesaurus because that just doesn't seem like the right word.

So blogger world, I want to embrace you. Let's dive deep together. Ask me questions! Just read the freakin blog! Tell me when I don't make sense! Tell me when I'm being stupid! Tell me I'm not alone! This is not Twitter where I just want someone to follow me so they constantly know what I'm doing... which isn't that the definiton of stalking??? Hm... I just...I just want... depth. But depth with a response. Or maybe God's response is supposed to just be it? Then why did He create me to be a relational person? Oh... fkjsldflsadfljadslfjlsadkjf (that's when I don't know what else to say except make noise, but my comp doesn't make noise... you get what I mean.)

I love this Patty Griffin song. Drew and Ellie Holcomb sang it for our Young Life kids last fall... I mean it for so many people... but... you know... I feel like the middle school version of myself... seen below... sick

"Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the water's getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you
When it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you
When it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for

When you break down
I'll drive out and find you
When you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you
When it don't come easy
When it don't come easy"

Confession: when I was in middle school and high school.. and well always.. I wanted to be loved so badly. But I thought people became when your friends based on how lovable you were.. like they would just be drawn to you or something. So I didn't need to pursue them, I needed to sit and wait. On my hands I would write "Don't bother anyone. Don't be annoying" Just in case I forgot. SO pathetic. But isn't that the moment I'm having? I want people, I want women in my life, but I'm sitting on my couch. So who's fault is this?

Can someone turn my brain off for me? Thanks. I swear I'm not like this everyday. Just woke up... funky. Waking up to a phone call from someone you haven't talked to in a very very long time will do that to you...

"I could no sooner choose a star from the heavens."

One of my favorite lines from the movie "Ever After" referring to the sweetest moment in the whole movie.... just in case you don't have the pleasure of knowing this reference... here ya go:

[looking at the books in the Franciscan monastery]
Danielle: It makes me want to cry.
Henry: Pick one.
Danielle: I could no sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens.
Henry: What is it that touches you so?
Danielle: I suppose it is because when I was young my father would stay up late and read to me. He was addicted to the written word and I would fall asleep listening to the sound of his voice.
Henry: What sort of books?
Danielle: Science, philosophy... I suppose they remind me of him. He died when I was eight. Utopia was the last book he brought home.
Henry: Which explains why you quote it.
Danielle: I would rather hear his voice again than any sound in the world.

Such good stuff. I may have to watch this tonight now. We still have it on VHS... lol.. I think we're the only people in the world that still have VHS tapes AND something to play them on. You know you're jealous.

Anyway, where did this all come from?? Well, life has been crazy packed the past couple of weeks with weddings (no complaining here!!) but I have not allowed myself any room for personal time during this process at all. So today is the first full "day off" I've had in a long time. I made the mistake of going to a bookstore... twice.. and came home with four books. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I'm inundated with books I want to read!! Why in the world did I buy more?? Its like crack for me or something!

But...

let me just say that all the books that I want to read are going to be SOOOO good!

First of all, my wonderful church is about to dive into two great books/studies. I've been having a hard time choosing which one to do because I feel like they both could and will speak into my life...

#1) Esther- study by Beth Moore (If you know me at all, you know I love me some Beth.)

I love love love love love Esther. She is truly one of my favorites.Ever since I can remember I remember being fascinated by her and her story. I think combined with my fascination... interest... study of the Holocaust, I was always fascinated with this specific targeting of the Jews. Then they came out with "One Night with the King"....

OK so the acting was not awesome in all aspects but it breathed life into the story even more.

THEN, this past year, I do the study of Moses through BSF. Now my interest... fascination of the Jews and their relationship with Yaweh is just... further fueled. So. I've been wanting to do this Esther study ever since I heard about it and I actually had planned on doing it on my own somehow this summer, and then I found out the church was doing it! Talk about a sign...

2) Having A Mary Spirit - Joanna Weaver


Problem: I just realized the book I bought and have fell in love with is this book:

CRAP

So maybe its a sign. Is there a difference? If I'm reading a totally different book, but its by the same author and its generally about Mary and the heart.. spirit... whatever... OK forget it. I'm reading this book and not starting another one. I'm doing the Esther study and that's it. BUT I was really excited about the Mary Spirit book because its already speaking to me in the first chapter and I wanted to be able to discuss it... so maybe I'll blog about it? Hm....

3) Angry Conversations with God- Susane Isaacs

Insert the bookstore problem here. So today I go into Border's with my friend Lindsay to let her look for a good card and I was trying to find the rest of the going away present for my dear friend who's moving away next weekend. I go to look for this one book in the religion section and wasn't totally drawn to what I found. Then I saw this cover and just out of curiosity picked it up and read the introduction. I seriously laughed so freaking hard I annoyed everyone around me. Here's a couple of my favorite lines:
"I should stop and identify my spiritual orientation. But first I must tell you: I hate it when people say 'I'm spiritual but not religious.' That's like saying, 'I'm emotional but not psycho.' It turns religion into a dirty word. Religion simply means re-ligion; to reattach, to reconnect to the God you feel separated from. YetI know we've all been burned by religiosity; even Jesus hated religisoty."

"Through that insanity, even if pastors hurt me or friends let me down or entire denominations went Shiite on my ass, I still believed God was good-- I just needed to find out where God went. Maybe it was a corner of a cathedral or a monastery in a desert or a bench on the beach. But I could go there and be with the God who was good and the Jesus who loved me, that I knew."

"Who on earth had conversations with God like that?If I wrote my conversations with God into a book, they'd be angry conversations. They'd go more like:

Susan: what ****, God? Are you trying to kill me?
God: Shut the **** up or I will!

And that would be the end of the book."

(just for the record, she writes that part out with the **** like a script and uses a permanent marker to blot out where I put the ****. I don't know why I feel the need to disclaim but I just did.)

I just couldn't leave the store without it.

4) Still working on Breaking Free by Beth. Almost done =)

5) Redeeming Love- Francine Rivers

I mean... I've already read this book. Totally rocked my world. But I swore I would never read it again. I just didn't think I could emotionally handle it. God used this book for me to let Andrew start loving me for real. It was part of the process I went through at Discipleship Focus that let me feel forgiven... to realize love from God really is not conditional. So wasn't He done with this book in my life? Well... then it just keeps coming up.. over and over and over and over.. for others, right? Just for others. He's calling me to read it. I know He is. So on the nightstand it shall sit. I'll get to it...

Can I just say these are just SOME of the books on my nightstand? The other ones are all marriage related books. The LoveDare, Sacred Marraige, Power of a Praying Wife, Fight Fair, Intimate Issues, Now You're Speaking My Landguage etc etc etc etc. And the crazy part is I really truly want to read them all!!!!!!

And yet... I'm on the computer...

Goin to the chapel...

AND EVERYONE'S GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!

And I say that with excitement, overwhelming thankfulness for God's provision, and slight stress. I was a little nervous that this wedding season would be slow. And I was SOOO wrong. Now come July we might have a different blog to write, but right now, I have two in the next two weeks and then three back to back in June, the one lone ranger in July.

I don't really have time to even write this, but I feel like I need a call out for prayer. Yesterday at church, our sermon was about joy. I LONG for joy. I want joy to be my response to all things. My biggest prayer requests at the moment are:
1) that I am joyful for my Brides. I long to reflect God's love for them in this crazy time in their lives. I want them to feel peace and joy when we're together so that they can enjoy their planning process and then carry that over into their time with their husbands to be. If you would, please pray that God will overpower every inch of me and how I see things or respond to things and BE my Joy. Be my responses. My self control.
2) On that same note, I pray these same things for those that I interact with throughout the week. Just because life is crazy, that does not mean I should give Karleigh less of my attention when we're together. That does NOT mean I get to suddenly be a crappy wife. He deserves my attention and affection even more so in these crazy times I think. I tend to zone out and get focused, but he's still my priority. He's not in my way, he's living in the mess I'm making. He's not a distraction, he's my husband. I'm telling Brides to not be stressed out so they can enjoy this time with their significant others; how counterproductive and honestly hypocritical of me to say this to them, but not to be that way in my life!
3) Protection. I tend to get very self critical and take things very personally OR get full of myself during wedding season. It is good to rest in the knowledge that God has called me to this position, but I am working for His glory. NOTHING that I do should be done out of self ambition or for my own benefit. It is all for Him and for the success of these couples wedding days. The extreme is that I mess up and freak out and forget how to function OR they get stressed and get snappy and I shrink on the insisde. I'm not an idiot. I know weddings inside and out (even though there is ALWAYS something to learn) so I should be confident in that knowledge and that God DOES want me there (as well as the client!) BUT I'm not perfect either. As a professional people are looking to me to respond well. However, all humans recognize humanity. I want to respond with "it is what it is" and move on. No over apologizing, no dwelling, no locking up and acting like a lost child looking for approval. One step in front of the other. One OBEDIENT and GUIDED step in front of the other.
4) EMILY NEEDS JESUS TIME! None of these things happen without the Lord. Why in the world I think "its so busy right now I can't stop and read" and think it will actually work, that a tree who took a drink a few days ago or even last week can survive all week without another one... you get the idea. Jesus is a priority. He is the One who stretches out time. He is the One who fulfills all callings. He is the One who overcomes the flesh. He is Joy. He knows how crazy weddings are... and He knows how to make miracles happen behind the scenes in order to benefit the families and couples who get to continue celebrating... which is especially precious to me =)

"On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there and Jesus and His disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to Him, 'They have no more wine.' 'Dear woman, why do you involve me?' Jesus replied. 'My time has not yet come.' His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever He tells you.' Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, 'Fill the jars with water;' so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them 'Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.'

(I love this part!!) They did so and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside, and said 'Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best til now.'

This is the first of His miraculous signs, Jesus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed His glory, and His disciples put their faith in Him." John 2:1-11

Jesus... I long to be a reflection of your glory. I long for my responses to be like the servants that you instructed at the wedding. They heard you clearly, they trusted you, they acted in faith humbly and quietly, and they did not make a big deal about what happened to anyone. They knew who you were and saw your glory in your miracle and in your compassion for those who may have never even known where the wine came from. I long to be that kind of joyful servant. Amen.

"Momma I'm a big girl now..."

It is WAY too late at night for me to be awake, but Andrew's on his way home after being gone for a week and its like Christmas!!! I can't wait for him to be here!!!!!

I also though, if I'm really honest, am kind of caught up in what I experienced tonight at something for church that involved lots of incredible Godly women... I digress.

I want to sit in a room with those women every night. I want to learn how to be so wonderful so talented so raw and honest I want to be a Godly wife a Godly daughter a Godly mother a Godly friend. So even after sitting in a room full of these amazing women I'm still awake following their blogs 0=)

So tonight was beautiful. The women's ministry at our church has started this wonderful ministry directed at mentoring the women in our church and tonight was the first night. I'm terrified of big groups these days and especially ones where I am in the minority. I feel like such a baby trying to dress in her mother's clothing and hang out with her sister's friends. I LOVED this as a kid. I always wanted to be my sister's friend (she's 9 years older than me) now I'm just totally freaked out that I'm an adult. This morning I actually had to give myself a pep talk about what I was wearing to a meeting. It made me look so... old! I don't know it was weird. Anyway moving on..

If I'm gonna grow older, I want to be like these women. So to mentored by them, to just be in the same room with them, even though I talk too loud and too much bc I'm nervous. Even though I feel like I have nothing of value to offer.. I want to go. I want to be there and learn.

That being said, (or not said because I'm delirious and talking in circles worse than normal and have said nothing of significance whatsoever) I was reading one of their blogs and found this. Its a list of things that you've done or haven't done in your life. So I thought I'd go through it =) The bolded ones are things I HAVE done:

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (does Wii count???)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (can we include got sea sick for the first time in here)
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt.... well does giving my mom t-shirts to make me a quilt count???
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life...I'm not sure what to call it... but i fought over a razor blade a girl tried to kill herself with at school... LONG story.
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club- I REALLY WANT TO!
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit- for five flipping years. RIDICULOUS
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I guess I can say I've done some fun things for a 24 year old. But SOOOO much to go. I should probably take a "nap" before Andrew gets home now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what's that rabbit's name??

You know the one from Alice and Wonderland that's always running late?? "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say 'hello' Goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late!!!" I feel like that stupid rabbit like 90% of my life. Now granted blogging is NOT going to help the situation, but you know what.. maybe I'll feel better after I get it all off my chest.

When I was born, my mom started in 1984 and then didn't have me until 1985. =) New year's eve she goes into labor and then STAYS in labor until January 2nd. Apparently I was stuck. Now this is graphic, but I was stuck on the .. I guess pelvic bone?? I was face up instead of face down and my nose was stuck. So after she gets that far, they push me BACK IN (dear Lord, I feel like I should REALLY go big for Mother's day this year at this moment... shew) and THEN they decide they need to do a C-Section. SO all that is to say, I think I was cursed from birth to inevitably be late.

We're talking I've been running late for school since I started going. Same for church. Learned how to put make up on while I was driving as I was learning to drive. Its not ridiculous late, its like a 15 minutes margin of time at the latest (usually) OR I'm flying by the seat of my pants to be saved by the bell. LOL that makes me think of my high school nazi.. I mean chorus teacher. "If you're on time, you're late!" I just thought I was like any other high schooler at the time. Didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Then I went to college and two things happened.
1) I became close friends with some habitually late people. But not like me, like WORSE. Like 30 minutes to an hour late IF they even come at all. It hurt my feelings, I had a hard time trusting them, feelings of abandonment would creep in... like a kid that got left at school after everyone else. Sirens started going off in my head... uh oh
2) The deal breaker is this: people started really counting on me. I had jobs in high school, but all of them had margin. At the photography studio, if you were running late, you could drive on your own and meet them at the site (you just had to communicate) at JCP there was a 7 minute margin on the timeclock. OK the one time it really stung me was when I worked at a tanning bed and got my comission taken away because I was late 2 times. I didn't work there very long. Not because of that though.. LONG story.

OK so I'm working in college, but what I do, affects others. Like when I was an after school care teacher, if I was late, my kids were left alone. NO BUENO. Even worse, when I worked before school care, if I was late, the parents were late in dropping off their kids and then late to work, (that only happened ONE time and it was ONE time too many for me.) Then even working at the butt crack of dawn as a desk assistant on campus, I was either 1) responsible for opening a building for the day and some kid who had locked themselves out of their room was counting on me to be there at 6am so I could let them go to bed OR if I was late for my other shifts, I could make that person there before me late for class or something. Same for being a Young Life leader. Those kids were counting on you to be where you said you'd be or they would leave and not talk to you again. No grace in high school.

Then the biggie... my husband and I were engaged. I don't remember where we were going or what we were doing, but we were driving. I'm not sure how we got on the topic either, but essentially he looked at me and said, "you know, I had to really work and pray hard through knowing I would never be on time again if I married you."

what?

Basically, he said that part of his process of figuring out if I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with weighed on how I affect him because I'm always late. Gross. Thank you, Jesus for telling him there was more to me than that.

So you see the problem?

Its not like the lateness stopped. It just.. suddenly became VERY noticeable. And not just to me, but to my friends... which REALLY bothered me. I tried everything, I tried telling myself things started earlier than they did, setting my clocks up to be early and sometimes it just still wouldn't happen no matter what my intentions were. THEN, (oh boy.. confessional time...) I started habitually lying about WHY I was late. I mean to EVERYONE. And I just want to apologize that if I ever did this to you, even if you don't know about it, I'm still so sorry. There was NO cause for me to do that. I should face the consequences of my actions. It IS upsetting when someone is not there when you want/need/asked them to be.

OK so now to where I am today. I REALLY feel like this is fixable. I want this to be a thing of the past. I want my clients to find me dependable, I want the family I nanny for to know they can always count on me so that their LIFE is not started off unnecessarily hard. I don't want to teach Karleigh its OK to be late. I want my kids to know they can always count on me. I don't want to be tempted to lie. I don't want my husband to always think we'll be late. I don't want him to think of me as untrustworthy. I mean sometimes its cute. Like the song "Waitin' on a Woman" which always makes my Daddy smile and think of me. If I've changed clothes 85 times because I want to be super hott on a date with my hubby.. that's potentially cute lateness... but habitual lateness. I just need to call it for what it is: sin.

So now what?

Well. I'm reading Beth Moore's Breaking Free and I really feel like this might be what "holds me captive" in my walk with... well pretty much anyone and in everything that I do. Definition of captivity (by Beth) "A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and affective Spirit-filled life God planned for him or her." I DEFINITELY do NOT feel free as I'm flying down the road endangering everyone around me because I am late AGAIN (which also feeds my road rage.. which rage is a toxic kind of anger that pollutes the mind, soul, and mouth) and then I'm so flustered once I get there I have to readjust and fight off OCEANS (not just waves) of shame about what I've done by being late.

I'll tell you what's helped and what I'm currently focusing on. 1) BSF. Bible Study Fellowship. Its a international organization that hosts Bible Studies for men and women (mostly women) in different cities around the world and let me just say they do NOT play around with time. It starts at 6:55pm on the dot and ends no later than 8:55pm. How on the dot? OK this year I've been playing the piano for their opening time of worship (which I'll talk about) and one time I got stuck behind a train on the way there. (one of those things that inevitably happens to me. you know catching EVERY stop light. etc.) I RUN in the door at 6:54 and I can hear our teaching leader saying at the microphone "Well Ms. Emily sent us a text saying she's on her way, but we've got to get started!" And then I burst through the doors, running through the sanctuary and up on the stage to the piano while everyone claps and laughs. They were huge sports about it, but oh my gosh I don't know if I'll ever forget that moment as long as I live! There's a HUGE and Godly purpose behind them being such sticklers on time, but for me, it has definitely been a huge learning tool.

2) Alicia (the woman I nanny for) and I had a talk the other day. She apparently used to struggle with a similar issue and (ironically enough, through BSF) learned about how to face this issue head on. I'm just trying to do too much in one day. I cannot control time, I cannot control what happens during the day, I cannot force things to fit, I cannot "make it work" like on Project Runway, that's just not real life. If I don't finish something. IT'S OK.

So my next step is to be more prayer. To be prayerful about every priority in my day. To make prayerful to-do lists that are realistic, help keep me on task but not BINDING. In my line of work you can't just say "oh I'll get to planning your wedding when I have time" They are paying me to BE their time. They don't have time to do things so they're giving it to me. BUT these can get done if I just prioritize, space them out and prayerfully approach them.

Sounds easy right?

right....

Additional note, I took this picture today for my Virgina girls because it always makes me miss them.



Probably both of my favorite people to laugh with and have honest conversation with are both in Virginia serving the Lord. I miss them, but I'm SO proud of them and admire them for how they give their lives away. I especially admire Trace for how honestly she does this and does it well. She suffered from my late issues, even for events for her wedding.. I'm sorry Trace. Thanks for loving me in the midst of being unaccountable and probably hurtful and untrustworthy.

So now, I'm in the late potential zone and have to go to BSF like right now... peace.