When I was born, my mom started in 1984 and then didn't have me until 1985. =) New year's eve she goes into labor and then STAYS in labor until January 2nd. Apparently I was stuck. Now this is graphic, but I was stuck on the .. I guess pelvic bone?? I was face up instead of face down and my nose was stuck. So after she gets that far, they push me BACK IN (dear Lord, I feel like I should REALLY go big for Mother's day this year at this moment... shew) and THEN they decide they need to do a C-Section. SO all that is to say, I think I was cursed from birth to inevitably be late.
We're talking I've been running late for school since I started going. Same for church. Learned how to put make up on while I was driving as I was learning to drive. Its not ridiculous late, its like a 15 minutes margin of time at the latest (usually) OR I'm flying by the seat of my pants to be saved by the bell. LOL that makes me think of my high school nazi.. I mean chorus teacher. "If you're on time, you're late!" I just thought I was like any other high schooler at the time. Didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Then I went to college and two things happened.
1) I became close friends with some habitually late people. But not like me, like WORSE. Like 30 minutes to an hour late IF they even come at all. It hurt my feelings, I had a hard time trusting them, feelings of abandonment would creep in... like a kid that got left at school after everyone else. Sirens started going off in my head... uh oh
2) The deal breaker is this: people started really counting on me. I had jobs in high school, but all of them had margin. At the photography studio, if you were running late, you could drive on your own and meet them at the site (you just had to communicate) at JCP there was a 7 minute margin on the timeclock. OK the one time it really stung me was when I worked at a tanning bed and got my comission taken away because I was late 2 times. I didn't work there very long. Not because of that though.. LONG story.
OK so I'm working in college, but what I do, affects others. Like when I was an after school care teacher, if I was late, my kids were left alone. NO BUENO. Even worse, when I worked before school care, if I was late, the parents were late in dropping off their kids and then late to work, (that only happened ONE time and it was ONE time too many for me.) Then even working at the butt crack of dawn as a desk assistant on campus, I was either 1) responsible for opening a building for the day and some kid who had locked themselves out of their room was counting on me to be there at 6am so I could let them go to bed OR if I was late for my other shifts, I could make that person there before me late for class or something. Same for being a Young Life leader. Those kids were counting on you to be where you said you'd be or they would leave and not talk to you again. No grace in high school.
Then the biggie... my husband and I were engaged. I don't remember where we were going or what we were doing, but we were driving. I'm not sure how we got on the topic either, but essentially he looked at me and said, "you know, I had to really work and pray hard through knowing I would never be on time again if I married you."
what?
Basically, he said that part of his process of figuring out if I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with weighed on how I affect him because I'm always late. Gross. Thank you, Jesus for telling him there was more to me than that.
So you see the problem?
Its not like the lateness stopped. It just.. suddenly became VERY noticeable. And not just to me, but to my friends... which REALLY bothered me. I tried everything, I tried telling myself things started earlier than they did, setting my clocks up to be early and sometimes it just still wouldn't happen no matter what my intentions were. THEN, (oh boy.. confessional time...) I started habitually lying about WHY I was late. I mean to EVERYONE. And I just want to apologize that if I ever did this to you, even if you don't know about it, I'm still so sorry. There was NO cause for me to do that. I should face the consequences of my actions. It IS upsetting when someone is not there when you want/need/asked them to be.
OK so now to where I am today. I REALLY feel like this is fixable. I want this to be a thing of the past. I want my clients to find me dependable, I want the family I nanny for to know they can always count on me so that their LIFE is not started off unnecessarily hard. I don't want to teach Karleigh its OK to be late. I want my kids to know they can always count on me. I don't want to be tempted to lie. I don't want my husband to always think we'll be late. I don't want him to think of me as untrustworthy. I mean sometimes its cute. Like the song "Waitin' on a Woman" which always makes my Daddy smile and think of me. If I've changed clothes 85 times because I want to be super hott on a date with my hubby.. that's potentially cute lateness... but habitual lateness. I just need to call it for what it is: sin.
So now what?
Well. I'm reading Beth Moore's Breaking Free and I really feel like this might be what "holds me captive" in my walk with... well pretty much anyone and in everything that I do. Definition of captivity (by Beth) "A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and affective Spirit-filled life God planned for him or her." I DEFINITELY do NOT feel free as I'm flying down the road endangering everyone around me because I am late AGAIN (which also feeds my road rage.. which rage is a toxic kind of anger that pollutes the mind, soul, and mouth) and then I'm so flustered once I get there I have to readjust and fight off OCEANS (not just waves) of shame about what I've done by being late.
I'll tell you what's helped and what I'm currently focusing on. 1) BSF. Bible Study Fellowship. Its a international organization that hosts Bible Studies for men and women (mostly women) in different cities around the world and let me just say they do NOT play around with time. It starts at 6:55pm on the dot and ends no later than 8:55pm. How on the dot? OK this year I've been playing the piano for their opening time of worship (which I'll talk about) and one time I got stuck behind a train on the way there. (one of those things that inevitably happens to me. you know catching EVERY stop light. etc.) I RUN in the door at 6:54 and I can hear our teaching leader saying at the microphone "Well Ms. Emily sent us a text saying she's on her way, but we've got to get started!" And then I burst through the doors, running through the sanctuary and up on the stage to the piano while everyone claps and laughs. They were huge sports about it, but oh my gosh I don't know if I'll ever forget that moment as long as I live! There's a HUGE and Godly purpose behind them being such sticklers on time, but for me, it has definitely been a huge learning tool.
2) Alicia (the woman I nanny for) and I had a talk the other day. She apparently used to struggle with a similar issue and (ironically enough, through BSF) learned about how to face this issue head on. I'm just trying to do too much in one day. I cannot control time, I cannot control what happens during the day, I cannot force things to fit, I cannot "make it work" like on Project Runway, that's just not real life. If I don't finish something. IT'S OK.
So my next step is to be more prayer. To be prayerful about every priority in my day. To make prayerful to-do lists that are realistic, help keep me on task but not BINDING. In my line of work you can't just say "oh I'll get to planning your wedding when I have time" They are paying me to BE their time. They don't have time to do things so they're giving it to me. BUT these can get done if I just prioritize, space them out and prayerfully approach them.
Sounds easy right?
right....
Additional note, I took this picture today for my Virgina girls because it always makes me miss them.
Probably both of my favorite people to laugh with and have honest conversation with are both in Virginia serving the Lord. I miss them, but I'm SO proud of them and admire them for how they give their lives away. I especially admire Trace for how honestly she does this and does it well. She suffered from my late issues, even for events for her wedding.. I'm sorry Trace. Thanks for loving me in the midst of being unaccountable and probably hurtful and untrustworthy.
So now, I'm in the late potential zone and have to go to BSF like right now... peace.
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