its never rained this hard before

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Patty Griffin, "Rain"

I've never been so conflicted, hurt, frustrated, and utterly lonely in my whole life... i just want it to be over. can a new season start already???

Glory:something marked by beauty or resplendence

So a continued theme over the past few days.. weeks... season have been to live in a manner that God's presence alone is enough. I'm lonely, let's be honest. Its hard to have Andrew away and even harder to know that he's miserable a lot of the time. (Long story, just pray for him to have peace.)I turn to people, not things, but people to fill that void.. and that's not what God wants for me, He is jealous for me. He has me alone for a reason, and how I respond to it affects other people...

Today at church, we talked about God's glory. One definition given was that God's glory is His reputation; it us up to us what we do with it in our lives. Do we enhance people's curiosity about it, or do we diminish people's desire to seek it? However, we cannot diminish the glory of God itself, like we cannot diminish the radiance of the sun, but we can affect how other's see or don't see it in us.

I think I fail, I know I fail, but I think lately I fail miserably. The world does NOT revolve around me and how I feel. I feel lately as though I've forced others to feel what I feel, or deal with what I feel... whether they want or need to know or not... what the hell is wrong with me?

From Cademon's Call's "Shifting Sand"
"(Chorus)
My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
I explained it away

Chorus

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It'd been there all the time"


can't that just be enough?

take all the things I cannot hide

So I went up to Discipleship Focus tonight. I went to go see my friend, Abby and a few others that are rockin' it up there this summer. Little did I know that of course, Dennis Fuller, the man in charge up there, would push me and challenge me to face truth. God had been setting me up all day. I listened to a sermon from a few weeks ago about how near the Lord is to us, but that so many times we choose to not acknowledge Him or we ask Him to turn His face away from us so we can do what we want, even though He never will. What a paradox, that I long for Him, but I only want Him on my own terms. I'm desperate for love, affection, truth, fulfillment, and He's the only one that can truly bring it, but I want it to come from the familiar places... the familiar poisoned places. I've not been listening to this song for a while now bc I thought it had gotten old.. I finally realized tonight its bc it'll pierce me to my very soul when I really listen. God help me.


"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Money and Sense

So, this past weekend, obviously from my other blog, I had a wedding. It went well. Its neat to see how Jesus brings you through a situation so quickly. For example, a while after I wrote that blog, I went looking for my phone. When I found it, I had a voicemail from the Mother of the Bride from hours before that was saying she was so excited about the next day and to see how it all came together and if I needed help she had volunteers. So crazy.

Then the next day, Jesus woke me up early (much like this morning) to spend time with Him. He gave me this scripture that I have long treasured (thanks to my precious sister in law... i probably should tell her that) but this time it became real to me in a whole new way all over again. "“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves go right on producing delicious fruit." Jeremiah 17:7

Saturday DEFINITELY was insane. A lot went wrong during the day, and I definitely found out a vendor that I will NOT be using anytime soon. Yuck. However, Jesus was my confidence. We handled it, and when I say we, I say Brooke, me, and Jesus. Brooke was my total saving grace, but again, I know that was Jesus providing for me a friend who would be able to help and also hold her own when I had to leave and handle other things. It was a hard day on my body and on my mind, but the actual wedding and reception were a breeze. When I think about it, it just flowed and happened like it was a day in the park. Crazy right?

WELL all this is to say, I got paid right? Now I'm no "Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?" planner making thousands of dollars, but I definitely got paid. However, when I went to the bank yesterday.. I realized the check was made out to my business name and my name was nowhere to be found on the check. Needless to say, even though I could prove I'm the business owner, they wouldn't take it. So I was really worried. I'm in need of money in a big way right now just bc a lot is coming up at the same time you know? Well I prayed about it yesterday, just praying that she (the MOB) would pay me again, that it wouldn't take too long, but that God would provide even though sometimes it seems impossible.

LOL its funny when I think about it.. yesterday afternoon when I got home, I had not one, but two envelopes in the mail with money in them. The first was expected and I had forgotten about it. It was that check from dear old Bush in an attempt to stir the economy. but the other one.. was a blank envelope I still have not quite figured out where it came from. The note inside said something about how they felt I needed some fun money as a blessing from God and as a result of giving my life away to Him. I suspect my YL girls... but its stamped from Nashville.. either way.. it was crazy. But then again, I hear His voice "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:31.


Thought provoking song courtesy of To Write Love on Her Arms' blog on myspace. I love the rawness of it.It just makes sense.

"Changes Come"- The Rhine

Changes come
Turn my world around

I have my father's hand
I have my mother's tongue
I look for redemption in everyone

I wanna wear your ring
I have a song to sing
It ain't over babe
In fact it's just begun

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down

I wanna have our baby
Somedays I think that maybe
This ol' world's too fucked up
For any firstborn son

There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone?

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down

Jesus come
Turn the world around
Lay my burden down
Turn this world around
Bring the whole thing down
Bring it down

bad day

OK so maybe it hasn't been a terrible day... i'm just flustered. I had a wedding rehearsal tonight for a huge wedding tomorrow. I knew I was nervous.. but WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??? This is what I do! I've done this like every freaking weekend for the past two months. But its never just been me.. that's the problem. Thank goodness Brooke was there. My kindred spirit. We were assigned a wedding together from our class and we worked so well together. I've handled so many other stressful situations and its been completely fine. Why was I so overwhelmed? I lost all confidence in myself.. I was so flustered..

It was almost exactly like the last time I auditioned for a show. I got there feeling so confident, but then when was my turn to do my thing... to do what I do... I flopped. Completely and totally.

I'm going to sit on this couch now, watch the NCIS marathon for a while, spend a long time with Jesus, eat until my stomach hurts, and go to bed.

Two in One Day, but Hey its a Holiday!

So I made some videos on my phone today of Karleigh (I'm a nanny by the way) and they're just so dang cute and patriotic, I thought I'd post them to wish a Happy Fourth of July! (especially bc I won't have five seconds to breathe on the actual fourth of july!!!) There's one where we say happy fourth, but this one is way cuter bc you can hear her lil voice (but unfortunately you can also hear my loud annoying one. sorry.)

Dancing it out

OK so I'm watching this last night and when Chelsea and Mark danced their hip hop lyrical dance, there was a moment in the dance when Chelsea stops Mark, lays on him and puts his briefcase down.. I heard her.. I heard in face "don't leave me." then he follows her for a minute.. tries to go and its the falling embrace and kicking of the briefcase that still sits with me today.. because... Andrew left today.

If you don't know, my husband works for a company that calls for him to travel a lot. He's a video engineer for a country music act this summer and is incredible at his job. I am so so proud of him, but he always has to leave. He is no workaholic by any means, bc he hates being gone, but he's good at his job and when duty calls he goes and works to the best of his ability. But I'm still here.. alone.

I'm a big girl... but that look on Chelsea's face spoke for me. I've definitely had many MANY moments like that. But our stories definitely end differently. And that made me grateful. Therefore now a new video and separate dance..



It speaks of love, its ups and downs, that its hard, but so so so so good. Yay. =)

OK one more.. I love this one too. The choreographer created it for his daughter who I believe suffers from a terminal illness... so precious how dance can express only what you feel. We're all going to be great dancers in Heaven.. I can feel it.